Metal shows for the unexperienced

It's been a while since I've done this, but I'm writing a bit again, so I should stay sharp.

I got back from the Dethklok show relatively alive and in one piece, but Andrew, especially Andrew's glasses, didn't fare quite as well. This misfortune is probably due to the fact that he's never been to such a violent show before, and didn't know what to expect in a mosh pit. That's why I've compiled this list of definitions to assist those who don't know any better.

Metal concert - Where you go to lose your hearing while being struck in the head.

Mosh pit - Several people wanting to maim and destroy everyone around them, but not enough to actually do it, except sometimes they do.

Tinnitus - Ringing of the ear caused by exposure to loud sounds. Take those earplugs out. You look like a sissy.

Droopage - Droopy + cleavage. Gravity doesn't seem to be kind to big girls. Beware--here be dragons.

The "guy or girl game" - Great to play between sets, and metal concerts are prime stomping grounds for androgynous people. If you're ballsy/drunk enough, you can even ask the person in question to confirm.

Beer - What you buy instead of another ticket, which would have been the same price.

Restroom - Where you hear sloppy blowjobs occurring. Standing close enough to the speakers can make you temporarily immune to the sound. See tinnitus.

Female bartender - Person serving overpriced drinks while ignoring sexual advances from sweaty guys in makeup.

Bruises - If you don't have these, you're doing it wrong.

Blood - Be prepared to see it.

I hope this list helps those of you who have never been to a metal concert. Keeping these in mind, you can avoid some of the pratfalls to which some first-timers may fall victim, and they may increase the amount of fun you experience. Now to bust some heads and tip the bartender. She's totally coming on to you.