A brief glimpse into the life of Andy Bodine, ep. 02

Jonathan: That's a lot of piss.

Shades of gray

This one needs a lot of work.

The Gray

Poor pastors insist God lives in a book
And in the hearts of those who love him,
But I found him neither on white pages
Nor abiding in our black human hearts.
Neither convincing, I looked for the gray.

I scanned the floors of ethereal planes;
In view was the border of black and white.
I stalked closer and straddled the divide.
Courts and clergy insist there is no gray;
Convicts and congregations know better.

Prostrating to see a clearer image,
I tried to find God in the gray area.
Before I was aware, I was swallowed;
The gray all about me, I heard His voice.
He asked me what it was I wished to know.

Questions of Epicurus' came to mind:
If willing to stop evil, unable?
If able to stop evil, unwilling?
If both, from what gruesome void springs evil?
If neither, then why do we call you God?

His voice bade only, Wrestle me, my child.
____________________________________________________________________

I'm still decidedly atheist, but I can't help but wonder about possibilities. I feel caught between two irreconcilable beliefs: those of science and religion. I can't deny the proof science has presented to me, but spirituality is something that interests me intensely. Sometimes I wonder why I pay any mind at all to religion--it's spawned bigotry and hatred based on the beliefs and prejudices of societies ignorant of the true nature of the universe. Yet the existence of a supreme being of some sort can neither be positively confirmed or denied. And so, I've found myself scouring my mind for gray areas that may present even a modicum of compromise. Though it's not in my usual nature, I'll take a hint from Jacob and try to wrestle with this whole "God" thing.

Wait and see

I've had highs and lows, but I've never really suffered. I've felt pain, but never anguished; stumbled, but never fallen. I don't come from wealth, but I've always been comfortable. Money's tight now and then, but I've always had a roof over my head and food in my belly. I know where I am when I wake up in the morning, and if you asked me where I'll be living next month, I'd be able to tell you.

In other words, my existence is untested and therefore despicable. Twenty years and the biggest trial of my life was the product of stupidity and not circumstance. This constance and immutability is almost unbearable. There is never any change. My life has become stagnant.

I've always had respect for any person that can enjoy the value of nothing. A person sitting comfortably in her chair not fidgeting or seeming annoyed. Someone who's happy to exist, think and perhaps watch. If she seems amused, she is even greater.

In fact, it seems that anything worthwhile is born of observation and introspection, and everything beautiful is born of suffering.

I am not fool enough to hurt myself or wish for pain, so the best I can reasonably achieve is to watch and think about what I see. What I'm looking at isn't important. As soon as I'm able to experience and enjoy what I see with some modicum of wonder, I'll know I'm living correctly.

It seems that in a world where people try so hard to become something, the true challenge is to be and appreciate it.

A brief glimpse into the life of Andy Bodine, ep. 01

Andy's Mom: You really need to clean your room before Lauryn comes up.

Andy: Lauryn's not coming until Friday night. Cool your jets, turbo.

Andy's Mom: I'm not "turbo," and don't tell me to cool my jets.