Ever notice how it's nearly impossible to study for a literature course? I've read the material. I've written about it. How can I be expected to do any more than that? All I can really do is know the characters and their tendencies. To know people that never actually existed anywhere but between thin pages and the mind of the reader, now that's some heady stuff.
That last post? A reaction to dissatisfaction. Catharsis where the heart is. A way to allay the pain from my brain. Ache in the wake of a breakdown. I write the tide of my mind.
Was that too much? I never know.
In any case, I'm just biding my time. I'm gonna feel like that again. It's gotten to the point that I've essentially stopped expecting anything but the worst. I need a break from all that optimism. Hope is a killer. Even if things begin going relatively well, I can expect it to be fucked up before it gets too far along. Why deal with the misery of disappointment? I'll appreciate happiness when it comes to me. It's not a frequent thing, and I certainly can't say that I deserve it, so I'm not going to count on it.
Not giving a shit anymore is better than despairing, right?
I've been challenged in that viewpoint. Why not kill myself if I have nothing to live for? Thought about it. Got over it. Dying young is far too boring these days. If I can't live for the betterment of mankind, I might as well serve as a warning.
Mothers, keep your daughters away from me. That is, until I decide to drop again.
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Soundtrack:
Drop - Blue October - Consent to Treatment
Kiss the Girl - Get Set Go - So You've Ruined Your Life
Mr. E's Beautiful Blues - Eels - Daisies of the Galaxy
Kicking the Heart Out - Rogue Wave - Out of the Shadow
So Long - Willy Mason - Where the Humans Eat
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