May the Living Be Dead in My Wake

A real blog? I think I can manage.

This has been building. And this time it probably won't go away for a while. I kinda mentioned it to Lyn once, but no one else has heard of it as far as I know. I can't say I'm depressed, nor can I say I'm victim to any sort of anxiety disorder. I don't have any sudden bouts of sadness or fear. I get angry for no reason I can imagine. I immediately pin it on one of the several things I've endured and failed to put behind me.

How does it feel? Like being punched in the back of the head, and when you whip around to see who it was, no one's there. Then, as you're lividly bewildered, they do it again, this time with laughter.

I'm supposed to write a paper on love for my lit class. All about "amor vincit omnia" and "caritas" and the rest of that bullshit. The only thing that means anything to me is unrelated; it's from King Lear, a line from Gloucester: "As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods;/ They kill us for their sport" (4.1.37-38).

I feel like I'm being toyed with. It's frustrating. Mind you, these aren't just random feelings. I just don't like talking directly about the people in my life in the internet. This blog exists for other reasons. I have this blog to spit out venom, spite, and bitterness. Emotions. Silly, facetious, petty feelings that I'm not allowed to have in my real life, because I'm a guy, and I like to seem level-headed.

Music's losing it's touch on me. It used to be the only beautiful thing I would encounter; the acts of listening to music and playing my own were like taking communion with something as wonderful as and less judgmental than God. The lyrics seem trite; the melodies, tumultuous; the instruments, off-key.

I've tried outlets. I worked out. It did wonders on my body. I'm getting definition on my abs, my arms look toned, I'm 25 pounds lighter, and I can run a mile in 6 minutes. But I'm still mad. I tried smoking, but that just made people worried and made it hurt to breathe. I tried drinking, but that just got me hooked on alcohol and it makes me look like an idiot. I tried pot, but it just made me sick. I tried losing myself in books, but they ended too soon. I tried friends and girls, but they just let me down (the friends that you rely on are the train tracks that you lie on. 22 Hours of Darkness, Ike Riley Assassination). I tried sleep, but it only comes with weariness.

I tried complaining on the internet, but it's not working.

Fuck you guys. I'm going for a walk.
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Soundtrack:
Too Many Puppies - Primus - Frizzle Fry
Fuck It - Seether - Karma and Effect
Pearls Before Swine - Corrosion of Conformity - Deliverance
I Hate Everyone - Get Set Go - Ordinary World
Bury Your Dead - Saosin - Saosin