Who needs a resolution when you're gearing up for a revolution?

Having figured out the point of human existence, I find myself overwhelmed by the sheer volume of minutiae that must be hammered into place. A metaphysical jigsaw puzzle. Only, the pieces all look the same and I'm missing the outer pieces. And the corners. The top of the box might come in handy, too.

So, instead of attempting to manage that intangible clusterfuck of an imbroglio, I'll instead reflect on my hard-learned lessons. Listen up, kids; you just might learn something.

This year probably deserves an overwrought angst-ridden diatribe instead of the philosophical fly-by I'm giving it, but I didn't get what I deserved this year either. We're even, 2006. I really didn't want to do a list, but it's either that or I write a book.

Grab a pencil. This is important stuff.

1. Love: I don't know if it exists yet, but the nature of what everyone calls "love" has become a little clearer to me. I would say that 75% of the dating couples I know and 90% of the couples in relationships I know are miserable. From what I see, people are looking for consolation and gratification from another person with their preference of crotch-equipment, at least until they have a petty disagreement and their rapture falls to pieces. There's gotta be more to the love thing. We can improve on this somehow; don't ask me, I'm no expert. That may not be love either, but it'll be better. I'm going to be trying a lot of different things to find it.

2. Justice: I can fathom something like love existing. Justice, on the other hand, does little more than piss me off. I read an article about a 17 year old kid being given 3-5 for statutory for having consenting oral sex with his 15 year old girlfriend. She didn't file charges, her parents did. And people call the sentence justice. It makes me shudder. The only reason people believe in justice is to get revenge on their transgressors, and the executors of justice only carry it out to make themselves feel better about their own transgressions. But Andy, shouldn't we punish the bad people? I'm not a man of religion, but Jesus said it best: "He without sin among you, cast the first stone."

3. Truth: One of the only ideas worth living for, and the single one worth dying for. Truth is the essence of meaning, and the creation of meaning is the whole point of existence. Lying is blasphemy; hypocrisy is sacrilege. There. I've told you the most important thing I can.

4. Good: The only good that you can ever do will never be done for yourself. Self-interest is not goodness; how great is the world if there is still pain, starvation, and suffering? That's a stupid question. Those things will never go away. Sure it's stupid, asshole. What do you suggest, ignoring the needy while you drink your $5 coffee in your car that burns money? I shouldn't have to feel guilty for having nice things. Any guilt you feel is because you know you should be helping those people. The least that you can do is vote for the right person. The most you can do is actually help your community. Call me what you will. If someone who believes in equality is a communist, paint me red and send me to China with a hammer and sickle.

5. Nothing: The most valuable use of doing nothing is to enjoy the time spent doing it. That's how you live a long, happy life. My grandmother told me that a while ago, and she's old, wise, and happy.

There you go. Don't say I never did anything for you.
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Soundtrack:
It Ain't Me, Babe - Bob Dylan - Another Side of Bob Dylan
Everyone Who Casts a Shadow - Wolfsheim - Casting Shadows
Now You've Got Something to Die For - Lamb of God - Ashes of the Wake
Listen Up - Deaf Pedestrians - Deaf Pedestrians
Riddle In Londontown - State Radio - Us Against the Crown

Play the record backwards, there's a message there for the suckers

Shit. It's almost Christmas. Let's take a break, shall we?

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:	Andrew James Bodine
Birthday:	March 23, 1987
Birthplace:	Chicago, Illinios
Current Location:	Woodstock, Georgia
Eye Color:	Hell if I know. I usually just say gray
Hair Color:	Dark brown
Height:	6 flat
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Righty
Your Heritage:	Scandinavian, German, and British
The Shoes You Wore Today:	I stayed home all day. That's a good feeling
Your Weakness:	Sad eyes and smart, pretty girls
Your Fears:	Failure, lonliness
Your Perfect Pizza:	Mushroom, beef, onion
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	Keep that GPA above 3.5
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	"heh"
Thoughts First Waking Up:	Damn
Your Best Physical Feature:	Dunno
Your Bedtime:	Whenever
Your Most Missed Memory:	I used to be a happier person. I miss those days
Pepsi or Coke:	Pepsi
MacDonalds or Burger King:	Neither
Single or Group Dates:	Single, but group dates are a more casual type of fun
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	Nestea with lemon
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Vanilla
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Coffee
Do you Smoke:	Not for a few months
Do you Swear:	Often
Do you Sing:	When in the mood
Do you Shower Daily:	Yup
Have you Been in Love:	I thought so
Do you want to go to College:	I'm in college and I love it
Do you want to get Married:	I'll cross that bridge if I find it
Do you belive in yourself:	Yeah. Sure
Do you get Motion Sickness:	Nope. I have an iron stomach
Do you think you are Attractive:	I've been called "foxy," and I get checked out in public. I, however, don't think I'm attractive
Are you a Health Freak:	Yes
Do you get along with your Parents:	Sometimes
Do you like Thunderstorms:	When I'm indoors
Do you play an Instrument:	Bass!
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	Lots. >=)
In the past month have you Smoked:	Nope. Cravings are back, though
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	No
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	Unfortunately, no. I should think about doing that sort of thing again, though
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	No, oddly enough
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	I haven't had any Oreos
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	No, and that makes me sad
In the past month have you been on Stage:	No, but I'd love to preform once I'm good enough
In the past month have you been Dumped:	Nope. That would be 1 and 6 months ago, respectively
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	Not in the past month...
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	Nope
Ever been Drunk:	Haha. "ever."
Ever been called a Tease:	Once or twice
Ever been Beaten up:	Nope
How do you want to Die:	Blaze of glory sort of thing
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	Wise. And not fat, for fuck's sake
What country would you most like to Visit:	Ireland
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:	Not important. I'm a sucker for sad eyes, though
Favourite Hair Color:	Also not a big deal. Different hair looks good on different girls
Short or Long Hair:	Same as above
Height:	A little shorter than me
Weight:	I care about my appearance, and I expect girls I date to do the same
Best Clothing Style:	Same as above
Number of Drugs I have taken:	Only pot and only once
Number of CDs I own:	Countless, and well over 2000 iTunes songs
Number of Piercings:	None yet
Number of Tattoos:	Also none yet
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	A whole fucking bunch of them, but I'll live on

Fourteen-million miles away from sane

I don't know that I actually have much to say. But I'll start typing and stop when I feel I've said something, even if it isn't deep or important. I gotta talk. Say something. Express myself, manifest my thoughts. Speak the fuck up.

I once asked someone the meaning of life. I was told that the meaning of life is to find meaning in life. I immediately dismissed it as blitheness.

Could it be so simple? A change in prepositions? Simple isn't the best word, I admit, but is there really no greater purpose? People are always telling me I should live for love or God or justice, but what if all I'm supposed to do is find my niche? Other people tell me that all I'm supposed to do is pass on my genes and die. So, since I don't plan on kids, does that mean I should simply exterminate myself since I'm just draining the planet's resources without contributing to the diversity of my species?

So. Find meaning. I don't know where to even find the proverbial stones to overturn. Either "find meaning in life" is just mere restatement, or ambiguous statement. Perhaps it would be more apt to make meaning of life.

I don't like to think that meaning is hiding from me. "Find" is a stupid word, in this case. I also don't like how the word infers that it could just be lying around, an ease to collect. Nor do I care for the implication of possession. You can't own meaning. You can only understand meaning or create it.

So. Make meaning. What do I have to work with? Meager financial situation, an over-interest in the abstract, and loneliness. Let's put a positive spin on that. I'm a "hapless intellectual Bohemian romantic." I like the sound of that.

What can I do to create? Well, the idea of having some control makes me a little giddy. I don't have much to work with, but judging from my means, I'm going to write. Write and think. Think about people--the human mind. How it works, why it works.

I've never believed in fate, and I don't know if I believe in God. Additionally, I'm not going to let myself become subject to my own negligence. To create meaning, I must grab the reigns. My control will be the stylus with which I'll write my life. And right my life. And right my wrongs.

I think I might be crazy.
I'm fourteen-million miles away from sane. Drop - Blue October.
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Soundtrack
All Along the Watchtower - Jimi Hendrix - Electricladyland (1968)
Poem - Taproot - Welcome (2002)
No Cigar - Millencolin - Pennybridge Pioneers (2000)
Everything to Everyone - Everclear - So Much for the Afterglow (1997)
Climbing to the Moon - Eels - Electro-Shock Blues (1998)

Until I decide to drop again

Ever notice how it's nearly impossible to study for a literature course? I've read the material. I've written about it. How can I be expected to do any more than that? All I can really do is know the characters and their tendencies. To know people that never actually existed anywhere but between thin pages and the mind of the reader, now that's some heady stuff.

That last post? A reaction to dissatisfaction. Catharsis where the heart is. A way to allay the pain from my brain. Ache in the wake of a breakdown. I write the tide of my mind.

Was that too much? I never know.

In any case, I'm just biding my time. I'm gonna feel like that again. It's gotten to the point that I've essentially stopped expecting anything but the worst. I need a break from all that optimism. Hope is a killer. Even if things begin going relatively well, I can expect it to be fucked up before it gets too far along. Why deal with the misery of disappointment? I'll appreciate happiness when it comes to me. It's not a frequent thing, and I certainly can't say that I deserve it, so I'm not going to count on it.

Not giving a shit anymore is better than despairing, right?

I've been challenged in that viewpoint. Why not kill myself if I have nothing to live for? Thought about it. Got over it. Dying young is far too boring these days. If I can't live for the betterment of mankind, I might as well serve as a warning.

Mothers, keep your daughters away from me. That is, until I decide to drop again.
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Soundtrack:
Drop - Blue October - Consent to Treatment
Kiss the Girl - Get Set Go - So You've Ruined Your Life
Mr. E's Beautiful Blues - Eels - Daisies of the Galaxy
Kicking the Heart Out - Rogue Wave - Out of the Shadow
So Long - Willy Mason - Where the Humans Eat

May the Living Be Dead in My Wake

A real blog? I think I can manage.

This has been building. And this time it probably won't go away for a while. I kinda mentioned it to Lyn once, but no one else has heard of it as far as I know. I can't say I'm depressed, nor can I say I'm victim to any sort of anxiety disorder. I don't have any sudden bouts of sadness or fear. I get angry for no reason I can imagine. I immediately pin it on one of the several things I've endured and failed to put behind me.

How does it feel? Like being punched in the back of the head, and when you whip around to see who it was, no one's there. Then, as you're lividly bewildered, they do it again, this time with laughter.

I'm supposed to write a paper on love for my lit class. All about "amor vincit omnia" and "caritas" and the rest of that bullshit. The only thing that means anything to me is unrelated; it's from King Lear, a line from Gloucester: "As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods;/ They kill us for their sport" (4.1.37-38).

I feel like I'm being toyed with. It's frustrating. Mind you, these aren't just random feelings. I just don't like talking directly about the people in my life in the internet. This blog exists for other reasons. I have this blog to spit out venom, spite, and bitterness. Emotions. Silly, facetious, petty feelings that I'm not allowed to have in my real life, because I'm a guy, and I like to seem level-headed.

Music's losing it's touch on me. It used to be the only beautiful thing I would encounter; the acts of listening to music and playing my own were like taking communion with something as wonderful as and less judgmental than God. The lyrics seem trite; the melodies, tumultuous; the instruments, off-key.

I've tried outlets. I worked out. It did wonders on my body. I'm getting definition on my abs, my arms look toned, I'm 25 pounds lighter, and I can run a mile in 6 minutes. But I'm still mad. I tried smoking, but that just made people worried and made it hurt to breathe. I tried drinking, but that just got me hooked on alcohol and it makes me look like an idiot. I tried pot, but it just made me sick. I tried losing myself in books, but they ended too soon. I tried friends and girls, but they just let me down (the friends that you rely on are the train tracks that you lie on. 22 Hours of Darkness, Ike Riley Assassination). I tried sleep, but it only comes with weariness.

I tried complaining on the internet, but it's not working.

Fuck you guys. I'm going for a walk.
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Soundtrack:
Too Many Puppies - Primus - Frizzle Fry
Fuck It - Seether - Karma and Effect
Pearls Before Swine - Corrosion of Conformity - Deliverance
I Hate Everyone - Get Set Go - Ordinary World
Bury Your Dead - Saosin - Saosin

Just so I don't get left out

Everyone and their mom's writing poetry now. I'll be damned before I'm left out of that. Here's my shot.
____________________________________________________________________

A Sonnet for Business

Take your flippancies, your contraries, inconsistencies and sex,
Your Crest-white smiles, your Girls Gone Wild, and made-up product tests.
Shove your pop-up ads, your fashion fads, your launching pads for profit.
We think Black Friday sales should cure what ails; those "deals" will line your pockets.

Buildings' sides are everywhere espied that cannot hide your labels.
Every flat surface demands a purchase and keeps us flocking to your stables.
You're glad to sell us what'll kill us and we'll take it till we're lame.
Have you no decency, or dignity, or capacity for shame?

Don't send your men to Congress, then, to change their minds with bribes.
Or we'll oust your lobbyists with angry fists; Quit trying to buy our rights.
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You read it here first. An Andy Bodine original. Unfortunately, the formatting is not what I intended since Blogger fails miserably at tabbing. Happy holidays, bitches.

P.S: I'm not a communist.

Dumped on more than a birdhouse shingle

Fuck it. Just fuck it. I can only take so many of these up-and-downs. This semester needs to end now. I want to go home and sleep for a week.