See what stands long ending fast

Time to think about something. Let's look at one of my favorite poems:

I Saw in Louisiana a Live Oak Growing
by Walt Whitman

I saw in Louisiana a live-oak growing,
All alone stood it, and the moss hung down from the branches;
Without any companion it grew there, uttering joyous leaves of dark green,
And its look, rude, unbending, lusty, made me think of myself;
But I wonder'd how it could utter joyous leaves, standing alone there, without its friend, its lover
near--for I know I could not;
And I broke off a twig with a certain number of leaves upon it, and twined around it a little moss,
And brought it away--and I have placed it in sight in my room;
It is not needed to remind to remind me as of my own dear friends,
(For I believe lately I think of little else than of them;)
Yet it remains to me a curious token--it makes me think of love;
For all that, and though the live-oak glistens there in Louisiana, solitary, in a wide flat space,
Uttering joyous leaves all its life, without a friend, a lover, near,
I know very well I could not.
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And I know that I can't either, Mr. Whitman

Time to re-enter the world. I've been too introverted lately, and now I'm ready to "let love in," as the cliche goes. Not just seek new friendships with new people, but forgive and appreciate family and religion too.

If there's anything that Walt Whitman wanted to teach, it was that if we will ever learn anything about ourselves, we must realize that we are transcendently part of something greater, bigger, and more amazing than ourselves. If I'm going to be happy like I used to, I must return my mind and my attention to the community around me.

"It's way too late to be this locked inside ourselves" ~C'mere - Interpol - Antics Album

And so the walls will come down. I'm going to open the doors, and, when dissatisfied with that, rip the doors off their hinges. Life's too short to hide away. The isolated self is a recipe for disaster.

Maybe I'll go back to church...

Soundtrack:
C'mere - Interpol - Antics
Under the Gun - The Killers - Hot Fuss, special edition
Eyes - Rogue Wave - Eyes EP
Fire It Up - Black Label Society - Mafia
Just - Radiohead - The Bends

The times, they are a'changing

A conversation I had with my mother today:

Me: Hello?
Mom: Hello, honey.
Me: Hey, mom.
Mom: I have a question, but try not to get mad.
Me: Go for it, but no promises.
Mom: Please?
Me: I'll try.
Mom: Do you have a girlfriend?
Me: Long pause. (tersely) No, Mother. I don't
Mom: You said you wouldn't get angry
Me: (annoyed) I said I'd try not to.
Mom: (angrily) Maybe you wouldn't have trouble finding one if you didn't have such a bad attitude.
Me: I don't need this right now. I'm going to go.
*hang up*

This brings several questions to my mind. Why, exactly, does my mom care whether or not I have a girlfriend? Really, what's it matter to her? I'm having a hard enough time trying to find one as it is without her lighting a fire under me. I've just gotten over one of the biggest disappointments of my life, and now I'm working on the self-confidence issues left behind by it. Being reminded of the fact that, for the first time in my life, I'm having trouble with girls doesn't boost my morale much. It's kinda funny. They used to come to me. I guess I've got some work to do.

Good. I'm done venting now, so now I'm going to take a walk and think. At least I'm not angry anymore.

Uninhibited in a good way

Well, not everything is right, but at least it isn't wrong anymore.

What I mean is, I've decided to turn things around a bit. I look back on last week and wonder how it happened. I wonder and reflect and come up with nothing. There are people to thank and hugs to give. If I had the means and the participation needed, I'd throw a party. I've picked up the gauntlet and cast it aside. My sword is sheathed, the destruction has stopped, and it's time to rebuild.

I've learned to forgive.

I find myself in the same life I was in four years ago. I was a sophomore then and I'm a sophomore still. The more things change, the more they stay the same. Just as then, I am single, I have only a few close friends, I'm achieving high grades, and I finally am breaking out of a shell of bitterness.

Please don't misinterpret me, though; I'm not a good person. If God exists, and he wants to forgive my sins during the past four years, then maybe I stand a fleeting chance. As I say in my personal aphorism, "I've long since given up on perfection, so creativity is the closest thing to godliness I'll ever achieve."

There's a number of things on my mind, but for now, I'll appreciate the fact that I've been given a chance at a new beginning. So many people have been locked into their current situation (be it social, work related, etc.), and exiting said situation is a painful task. At one point, I thought to myself: "The stars move still, time runs, the clock will strike,/ The devil will come, and Andy will be damned (Dr. Faustus by Christopher Marlowe. 13.67-68, Text A, minor editing)." Sorry, Mephastophilis. I won't be joining you.

Three roads converge in a yellow wood/and I've made another complicated and unoriginal metaphor

I don't know what it is. When it rains, it pours, and when it stops raining, the sun shines bright. But that's all I have to say about last week.

But now it's this week. I feel playful and facetious. I was in a poetry-writing mood earlier this evening, and I'm pleased with what I've written so far. It's a work in progress that's a combination of my midnight ambulations and my desire to tell someone something. It's called "Love at Halloween," and it's the most light-hearted poem I've written in a while.

I'm not completely happiness-and-rainbows; don't get me wrong. I more brashness-and-swaggers. Feeling a little devious, a little playful. Don't be surprised if you catch me with an absent-minded smirk on my face.

I'm probably going to regret this, but I'm going to do a little musing. In metaphor of course: this is something that I need to put out there but don't necessarily want to say explicitly. I'll probably end up talking to someone about it this week, and volunteers are welcome. But now, the metaphor.

I'm at a crossroads with three paths. One's a straight and narrow road, but I'm a nonconformist and therefore don't like it. Besides, even though it's wide, it's barren and empty. It looks like several have gone down that path, but there's no one in sight down it.

The second and third paths both look familiar. Despite the canopy of luscious hardwoods that loom over them, the light shines through. Both are bordered with aromatic flowering bushes that almost beg attention with their vibrant hues. At the mouth of the second, however, there a few bees buzzing. If you know me well enough, I'm a huge sissy when situations involve stinging insects. Given my situation, I decide to try the third path.

I walk a few feet in, and all seems well. Starry-eyed with the splendor around me, I fail to see an impediment in the path. I fall flat on my face, swear, and turn to see what I've stumbled over; it's a fallen sign post that states, "no trespassing." Seeing this, I turn back to where the paths meet.

Currently, I'm sitting cross-legged and considering my options. I could easily and safely proceed down the wide one, but it looks too lonely and empty. The second path is inviting, but entering it might be difficult because of the bees, and, besides there could be a "no trespassing" sign there, too. If I choose the third path again, I risk angering it's owner. So what do I do?

Well, the situation isn't pressing right now, so I can conisder carefully. Perhaps I'll find coucil.

That's all for tonight. I'm anticipating a better tomorrow. That'd be lovely.

Soundtrack:
Keepaway - Self - Porno, Mint, and Grime
Broken Glass - Buckcherry - Fifteen
The Blood Is Love - Queens of the Stone Age - Lullabies to Paralyze
Ride Out Bitch - Vaux - There Must Be Some Way To Stop Them
Gotta Have You - The Weepies - Say I Am You

Something on.

I can't really say that I'm pressing on, because that would assume I'm making an effort, nor am I floating on, because that implies a sense of joviality. I guess that moving on would be the best description I can think of. I really don't like to be nondescriptive with action verbs, but I'm going to admit I'm stumped with this one.

It all boils down to social dynamics. I know that my last post was vindictive and probably inappropriate, but I stand by what I felt at the time. What I didn't realize, however, was the inevitability of this sort of thing happening.

After I had gotten over the initial shock of the events that transpired this summer, I began to feel a bit better. I was so sure that everyone would be appalled with her actions, so that I'd still have a chance of frequent friendship with you guys. That was not to be; I didn't realize you were so close with her so that what she did wouldn't matter. Does that sound sarcastic? I'm trying to decide whether it should or not.

I just had an amusing though about the word "better," in that it's so similar to the word "bitter." Also note that "i" is the next vowel following "e" in the alphabet.

Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

I refuse to further blame you guys for what happened. That would be offensive, nonconstructive, and simply wrong. You are all part of a large group of good friends, something which is both healthy and fun. It would be wrong to begrudge you of that, and to expect you to choose me over them would be a miserable act on my part. What I really want is for you three--you know who you are--to be happy.

I expect that I'll be going through some transition for the next few months, as I'd like to find a group like your own. I'm sorry that I wasn't a better friend while it lasted.

My apoligies,
Andy Bodine

Liberation: My Heart On the Table

A moment of your time, if you will. Imagine me, Andy Bodine, sitting at a table across from you.

Got it? Good. It's not hard so far. This next part might prove to be a little difficult for you, but I have faith in your imaginations.

Now picture me lifting up my skeletony hand and placing the fingers spread out just to the left of my sternum. Next imagine the knuckles starting to bend and the sound of fabric ripping. Visualize a gush of red, hear the tearing of flesh and the cracking of bone. Watch me grab my heart, rip it from its cavity, and slam it on the table still beating in a pool arterial blood on the table between us.

That's the impression I want this post to have, though if you've seen the Indina Jones and the Temple of Doom, you've already had the image somewhat ruined. George Lucas and Harrison Ford apologize.

That aside, I really feel as if I'm lying to everyone. I am a tremendous fake. After a profoundly confusing weekend, I've decided that keeping things bottled up doesn't help. Which brings me to my confessions: hard, sharp, biting truths.

1. People often tell me that I can "talk to them about anything." First off, most of you guys are full pretty words and hot air. In most cases, it's people who don't assure me of that fact that are best to talk to. Props to you, Amber, Ashley, Chris, and Julie. There's only one person that's really proven to me that I can talk to him about anything. God bless you, Andrew.
2. With the exception of precisely 7 people, everyone I've met at Mercer is full of shit.
3. If you've seen me in a good mood in the past two months, it's because of nicotine. I would stop, but I don't have the motivation yet.
   
4. If one more person tells me they're smarter than someone, I'm going to punch them in the teeth.
5. I would probably stop hating BFMcTC if I started dating again, as I wouldn't think about her anymore.
   
6. Item number five is extremely difficult, as I'm not actively pursuing anyone, and no one is actively pursuing me as far as I can tell.
   
7. I'm a hopeless romantic full of ideals, and I detest myself for it.
8. I'm only saying these things because Andrew doesn't deserve to hear me bitch an moan exclusively to him, and he's had a really rough weekend because he cares about his friends. I don't have anyone to talk to, really, so it ends up on the internet.
9. I'm. Sick. Of. Excuses. If you're busy studying or something, I completely understand. On the other hand, if you're going to blow me off, do it blatantly. Tell me, "Andy. I don't want to hang out with you today/I actually don't like you that much, let's stop hanging out." It'll make things a lot easier.

That was incredibly refreshing. I guess I don't need to smoke if I can actually talk about what ails me, even if it's on a computer and no one gives a shit. I would consider praying about it, but God isn't much for company. He's probably busy with someone with real issues.

P.S. If you tell me it's okay to come to you with my problems, you'd better mean it.

This post's soundtrack:
Beautiful Like Me - Joydrop - Metasexual
Backdrifts - Radiohead - Hail To the Thief
Rapture - Hurt - Vol. 1
Hands Away - Interpol - Turn On the Bright Lights
Paper Thin Hymn - Anberlin - Never Take Friendship Personal

Yes, another one.

Ad stylum, ad armum.

Okay. So, perhaps not arms. We’ll try this again.

Ad stylum, ad Hadem cum omne.

That’ll do. There’s time for writing and there’s time for fighting, and sometimes, there’s enough time for both. Take that, Mr. Berra.

Let’s take a little logical jaunt here. Let us consider the facts.

• Not many people read this blog.
• Fewer people will remember a post that I wrote and deleted a while back.
• Even fewer have connected that post with my Myself, Inc. ad.
• Fewer still will be happy with me by the time this is over.

We now have something to start with. It’s now appropriate to observe some evidence. I present to you, Exhibits A, B, and C.

A: Easy to derive, but hard to integrate.
A = (Misdirected Spite + Self Deprecation + Quirkiness)/Number of shots

B(F McTC): Easy to integrate, often affected by extraneous variables.
B = (Shamelessness + Moodiness + Cup Size)/Number of simultaneous romantic interests

C: Collective of mutual integers shared by A and B.

There are the exhibits. How are they connected?

• A = B, but A and B are not compatible integers.
• A and B are irrational numbers, therefore they will be referred to as A_i and B_i.
• C is compatible with both A_i and B_i, but not concurrently.
• Unless C = 1, C is not compatible with A_i. If C ≥ 1, C is compatible with B_i.
• A_i really really freaking misses C, but is both too unsure and cynical to bother asking anything of C. A_i has fond memories of C, but wonders of C is really worthwhile.
• 
  

Please pardon that last one. It got away from me. Really, though. C’mon, C. It’s been way too long. Some of your components try, but only one without some prodding, and even then, that’s infrequent. Is it time to pack it in and move on? A_i really wants to know.

I really hate being dramatic like this. I really do. It pisses me off, and it pisses everyone else off. You know I want to ignore what’s going on. But I need to know what’s up.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it. Or, if your not a smoker, crumble it over your oatmeal. Whatever works.

Myself, Inc.

Copied from my Facebook:

Company:	Myself, Inc.
Position:	Freelance Charlatan
Time Period:	March 1987 – Present
Location:	Various
Description:	It doesn't pay well, but the benefits are incredible. The work includes: Playing music, writing bad poetry, drinking occasionally, reading old books, running a lot, frequenting coffee shops, cracking jokes, taking naps, walking at night, watching movies, and being thankful. I'm currently looking for associates, both part and full time positions available.

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Sometimes I like to imagine I'm clever. I like to sieze the conventions of the everyday and make them my own. The English language, for example. Wordplay. I love that stuff. Grasping something everyone has access to, changing it in some small way, and thereby making it my own. And so: "I tell myself, 'I'm so cool and clever.' I'm such a liar."
(Flip-Top Box by Self. Good stuff. Listen to it sometime)

There's a bevy of things on my mind, but I don't really feel like going into detail. I'm a little conflicted about a few items. Thinking about a few people. Trying to get a little more information before I try something.

All in all, it's been a good break. I saw "The Departed." I recommend it to anyone and everyone. Mark Wahlberg doesn't really get enough screen time, but with Damon, DiCaprio, Baldwin, Sheen, and Nicholson, it's understandable. Disappointing ending, but I still kinda wanna see it again.

That's about all for now. There'll be a better update when I finally get in a bad mood. I hope I don't have a good update for a while.

This update's soundtrack:
Flip-Top Box by Self
Sweet Li'l Thing by Eels
Red House by Jimi Hendrix
Straight to Hell by Gisli
Surrender by Billy Talent
Secret Santa Cruz by Lifter Puller
I Love My Computer by Bad Religion
Distance by Editors
Missing by Beck
The Green Fields of France by Dropkick Murphys