I've been told that all men live lives of quiet desparation. I can see that. I've also noticed that the ones that live in open desparation are pathetic.
I've been rolling some recent decisions over in my head lately. The majority of the ones I've made have stood up pretty well, I'm happy or at least neutral about them. These would include joining clubs, quitting smoking, and not doing something stupid and vengeful.
There's one decision, though, that I'm willing to admit was a poor one: deciding to deny myself from looking for a girl. Just because one made me miserable doesn't mean I should roll over and play dead. Though cynical, I'm willing to admit that not everyone is that terrible. It's about time I stopped second-guessing myself and others and put myself back out there. I was going to take the semester off, but I rejected two girls this summer. Enough is enough; if something manages to float by and it seems right, I'll probably consider it. Why deny myself affection? I don't want sex, I don't want heavy petting, I don't even want to make out with anyone. I just want someone to put my arm behind and talk to. Intelligently.
When my hair gets long enough, I think I'm going to grow a beard. My parents are complaining about my wanting to get my ears pierced. They're probably afraid I'll look too feminine with the long hair and earrings. The beard will help offset that. Nothing too lumberjack--just a closely-trimmed connector from my sideburns to goatee. Kinda like Tom Cruise a while ago, just without the insufferable and ridiculous religious convictions. Or the multi-million dollar net worth. Or Katie Holmes. Goddamnit.
I'm looking forward to getting my bass soon. I think I'm going to go ahead and dole out the extra cash for the Thunderbird Goth. I play sitting anyways, so the weight of the neck shouldn't be an issue. I'm a little worried about the tb pickups, but replacing a 9-volt every now and then shouldn't be so bad. After getting an amp, tuner, case, etc, I'm looking at about $600-$700. I'll have to work this winter, but I need the cash anyways. Something to look forward too is always nice.
Back to the subject of women. I like to look at women from a semi-Platonic perspective. I'm beginning to think that I've been concentrating too hard on the shadows on the cave wall. Somewhere outside the cave is the one I'm looking for. I've found some girls who've made it out there, but there's a number of them.
She's out there. I want to grab her hand, look her in they eyes and tell her, "I want you to know, with all sincerity and no hope of reciprocation, that you're a beautiful person, and I love you." Maybe it's the way she's beautiful without trying. Maybe it's the way she puts her mind, body, and soul to everything. Maybe it's the way her eyes look when she's lost in thought, staring away into the sky at something I could never see or comprehend.
Oh, that I could find her.
I'm told that all men live lives of quiet desparation. I'll try to keep it down.
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2 comments:
I can honestly say that I totally and completely feel you on that whole relationship idea. In truth, you're not the only one living in a state of quiet desperation. ;-) The part that truly blows is having to keep it down. All you want is this single, simple situation, and if you could only announce it to the world, the right person is sure to respond and eliminate that desperation (quiet or otherwise), but... What is it that makes us live in quiet desperation anyway? I mean, really, what compels us to endure this quietly?
being pathetic can have it's rewards. Didn't you see 'SERENDIPITY'? He was the oracle of jackasses. I've lived long enough to know sometimes you just have to make a fool out of yourself to experience life! If you fall flat on your face you'll get over it and chalk it up to experience. No guts no glory.
Now you're getting advice from a person who has lived too many years in quiet desperation and I don't think it's all it's cracked up to be. We try to hang on to some dignity and nobility by hiding our fears, but we just suffer for it. Step out! If it flops, who really cares anyway? At least you tried. Pain can't be avoided, you may as well afford yourself a little pleasure along the way. (but you don't have to be an idiot about it either) You may find that special someone you can annoy for the rest of your life.
I've had 4 loves in my life and have spent the last 20 years with the last one. What's weird is the first 3 loves have passed away into eternity. All the pain I suffered over them magically changed into little memories of precious people whose life I became a part of;memories of shared experiences connect us like that. When you get old you'll just be glad you knew them at all no matter how nutty or sorry they were. When you think of them you'll notice a little smile on your face. All people are precious, just find one you want to be with no matter how irritating she is, then hang on for dear life.
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