An open letter to Starbucks patrons

Dear Starbucks patrons,

After working at Starbucks for several weeks, it seems that some clarification of the menu is in order. You seem to not be able to grasp a few simple concepts, and its about time to dispell your ignorance. Instead of going down our very lengthy menu and describing each drink, I'm going to select some of the things you guys have said and point out the problems.

Instance 1: "Why is my cappuccino so light?"

Answer: It's because you ordered a fucking cappuccino. It's literally half foam, half steamed milk and espresso. You probably wanted a latte, which only has a thin layer of foam on top, and is mostly steamed milk with a little espresso.

Instance 2: "Can I have a frappaccina?"

You mean, "May I have a frappuccino?" The answer is no, because you're stupid. I know that Starbucks likes to make up a bunch of fake Italian words, and even though watching you guys fumble through the syllables gives me the same sick joy as watching the Special Olympics, you should be able to differentiate between "a" and "o". Or perhaps I have too much misplaced faith in mankind.

Instance 3: "Add an extra shot of 'expresso'."

Once again, look carefully at the word "espresso." Do you see a "k"? A "c", perhaps? An "x"? No, you don't. That's an "s" followed by a "p". The next time one of you people asks for "expresso," I'm just going to say no.

Instance 4: "Do you guys serve plain coffee?"

I can't believe how often I hear this question. It's a coffee shop. You are surrounded by no fewer than 20 different types of beans. There are carafes behind me, as well as a coffee machine. A sign that says "now brewing" with a list of the bold, mild, and decaffienated coffees we are serving hangs on the wall behind me. There's a menu item called "coffee of the day." Your answer? No. We don't. It's all a ruse to deliberately waste your time. Good day.

Instance 5: "I want a decaf Americano."

You're completely defeating the purpose of an Americano, which is a stupid drink anyways. For those of you unfamiliar with the drink, it's espresso and water. That's it. It's meant to give you lots of caffeine. The crema is gone, and you're drinking pure bitterness. Congratulations, you've wasted three dollars.

Instance 6: "I would like an iced cappuccino."

Too bad. It's not possible. Once you figure out how to make edible, milk flavored, icy foam, please contact the bigwigs in Seattle. You're going to be very rich.

Instance 7: "You're prices are expensive"

Cry about it.

Instance 8: Aside to friend, "The stawberry frappuccino is healthier because it's got fruit in it."

You wish. It's the single most unhealthy thing on the menu. A venti stawberries and cream frappuccino with whipped cream has over 20 grams of fat and nearly 700 calories.

Instance 9: "I would like a quattro con panna and I'm going to explain to you what it is because I'm a coffee snob and you're a teenager and I automatically assume that you know nothing. Man, will this impress the girl I'm with!"

Thank you for assuming I don't know what the hell I'm doing. You're girlfriend's not impressed. You ordered 4 shots of espresso with whipped cream on it. You, sir, are an idiot. Have fun with your inch of milkfat on pure bitterness.

To be fair to those of you that honestly don't know, espresso is naturally sweet because of what's called "crema." When a shot is pulled, it looks like it's swirling and carmelly. The light bit is the crema. If a shot sits too long before it is consumed, the crema oxidizes, leaving a very bitter shot. Ordering more than two shots at a time almost ensures that the crema will oxidize. The whipped cream on top doesn't help; the milkfat stays on top and doesn't actually sweeten the espresso. The douchebag who ordered it payed nearly 4 dollars per ounce for a drink that's nearly unenjoyable. It was funny watching him try not to cringe as he drank it in front of the girl he was with.

Instance 10: "I would like an item not offered here, but I would like to sit here, make a line, irrate everyone, and do a terrible job of describing the drink."

Go to hell and die painfully. You should have gone to the other place to begin with.


That concludes this open letter. I hope that you will be marginally less ignorant next time you feel the urge to consume a Starbucks product.

Sincerely, a barista.